Diary Of a Mad Shoe

2004-07-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

so happy i could shit

Today the stork blessed us with a special delivery a drunk philipino mother in law not only was she drunk she brought a suitcase and that has Bad news written all over it and whats the first thing i do? i panic i looked like the japanese when godzilla was coming then i call tam-pon at work i tell her you need to come home NOW!!! Dont get me wrong my mother-in-law isnt that bad when shes sober guess it could be worse she could of brought 3-4 suitcases and a goat so if anybody out there wants a slightly used mother-in-law let me know or maybe a drinking buddy i have the right person for you right about know im thinking hey maybe i can make some money outta this I can see the ad now slightly used mother-in-law she cooks cleans and does laundry also can be used as a drinking buddy will charge by the day or by the hour i wonder how tam-pon would feel about me pimping out her mom

2004-06-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

shoot me please

well today wasnt a good day. My girlfriend tam-pon wanted us to spend the day with her family so i agreed.Well ive heard my girl say things in filipino so i thought i would impress her family and try and use the language. Well... i guess i should of asked tam-pon what things meant before saying them. we get to her parents place her mom opens the door says hello you two and i reply mabuhok ang utong mo (which means your nipples are hairy) tam-pon starts apologizing to her mom saying shoe didnt know what it meant tam-pon asked where did you learn that? i said i heard you say it before shes's like OH MY GAWD. then we were watching TV with her dad he offers me a drink i replied igao walang kang puit (which means you have no butt) he starts laughing loud and hard tam-pon asked what did you say to him so i told her she starts apologizing for me again so i thought to myself i need to keep quiet A little time passed we all went outside for BBQ her grandmother brings me some food and sits next to me shes says here you go shoe eat i said mas gugustuhin ko pang singhutin ang utot ko kaysa mapatabi (which means id rather sniff my fart rather than sit beside you) She starts yelling and cussing me i was like what did i say then tam-pons mom told me what it meant i apologized i was so embarrassed everyone was looking at me i told them i was just trying to fit in learn the language tam-pon says you should ask me before saying things. So the rest of the day i was getting dirty looks so i sat quietly Finally it was time to leave i stood at the door they said goodbye shoe i waved and said mas ma sarap ang tae ng aso sa pagkain mo (which means this dogs shit tastes better than your food. So do you people think i'll be invited to thanksgiving??

2004-05-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Beans make my brain hurt.

If you could be any food what would you be?
I'd be a pickle, because I like to get sucked on.

If you could be any animal what would you be?
I'd be a bird, because I would like to shit on people's heads as they pass by. Or I'd be a monkey, because I like to do it monkey style and I could fling my poop at strangers.

And thats why Beans make my Brain hurt.

2004-04-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

Update Pfffttttt!

Well all I've been hearing is I need to update. Why don't I ever hear; You need to win the lottery, or you need to take this million dollars, or you need to sex me up right now dammit!. NOOOOO all I hear is you need to update. Well update this! I mean I got your update right here -bends over and moons you all!-

2004-01-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

My Future

Mrs. Cleo says, she see's an update in my future.
When? Who the hell knows & Who the hell cares!

2003-12-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Ebonics Christmas

'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty.....
"EEEASST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

2003-11-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

Who Gives a Shit!

Well I know its about time for me to update since people are buggin the shit outta me. Nothing new has been going on, I've just been kicking it at home. Like the other day, I was sitting on the couch chillin, watching t.v. when all of a sudden I get a bad case of the bubblies. Well it was my lazy day. So I was wearing a T-Shirt and spandex pants. Anyhow my stummy is bubblin and all of a sudden I let one loose. It felt like a mouse running down my leg the spandex holds the air in so I guess it made a bubble. Well all in all it was weird but funny.

I know some of you out there saying ewwww, how gross, that's so unlady like. Yeah well the same ones saying that are the ones shoving some guys shlong down their throat or even bending over taking it up the ass, now how lady like is that?. They say I'm too much of a lady to that they are the same ones that go in public restrooms and funk it up, you know the type; the ones that eat a half a sammich and say they're full but shit worse than a fuckin cow. At least the things I talk about are natural, everyday things. Everybody has to shit or fart they just don't admit it; bunch of pussies. I'm a real person not some fake ass trying to be something I'm not I'll admit I pick my ass in public, pick my nose while driving, fart in the store while shopping, and piss in the shower. Yeah, your probably saying how ghetto, or how low class. But at least I'm real.

2003-10-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

Rumble, Ramble

I got a rumbling in ma belly
I got a rumbling in ma guts
That big ole giant rumble, moving to ma butt
The rumbling is getting closer, closer to the door
I don't think I can hold the rumble, hold it anymore
Trying to squeeze ma buttcheeks
squeeze em nice and tight
That big ole giant rumbles puttin up a fight
Ma tummy starts a achin
Ma cheeks are gettin weak
I know when I release the rumble, its really gonna reek
It coulda been the tacos, it coulda been the beans
It coulda been ma wifes cooking, because it really stinks
I know with all this rumblin ma shit is gonna squirt
I also ate some chili, and know its gonna hurt
Its movin out my butthole
Its oozing down my leg
OMG. just shit ma pants, guess its just too late.
Cant run to the bathroom
Cause it'll get on the floor
Guess I wont be eating
Mexican food no more.

2003-10-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

911 Emergency...I can't help YOU because your too FAT

Ok I guess it's time I update; since all you impatient asses can't wait. Well it's been a bad month, I decided it was time I spent a little time with my family. So we went on an outting to the fun park. It has video games, go cart, and trampolines. Before we went on our outting we went and ate lunch at my girlfriends parents house; home cooked asian food. Now we were at the fun park, my tummy started to rumble ( I didn't think nothing of it; asain food just does that). My nephew wanted to play on the trampolines, so my girl and I went to watch him. My nephew and girl was up there jumping having a great time, when they started yelling "COME ON SHOE JUMP WITH US" I said, "That thing won't hold me." Then the guy (worker there) said, "Sure it will, go on" My tummy was still rumbling, I was a little nervous. I finally get my big ass on the trampoline, I jumped a few times; the trampoline was holding my weight so I jump again really hard. When all of a sudden I fart and squish I pooped my draws, then I hear a cracking sound my freakin wooden leg broke. I yell, " FUCK I BROKE MY LEG " The guy (worker) starts to panic "OMG let me call 911 and get some help!" I said, "Why?" He replies, "Because you broke your leg." I just start laughing. He looks at me all confused. I said, "Um Sir, I have a wooden leg." I ruined that day of fun; broke my leg and shit my pants, damn asian food.
I finally get some time off from work and think I'm going to have some me time, but nooooo. My girlfriends brother Con-dum shows up at my door asking if he can kick it with me. So I let him in.
He asks, "Wanna smoke a scooby doobie?"
I said, "I know what a doobie is but what the hell is a scooby doobie?"
He replies, "This shit is so good, one toke and you'll be talking like scooby doo."
I told him, "Roll it up big boy."
Anyway, we are sitting there smokin' and tokin' when he starts staring at me.
I ask, "WHAT YOU STARING AT FOO!?"
He says, "You remind me of someone famous."
I said, "Really who?!....HALLE BERRY??"
He said, "Nope."
"Vivica Fox?"
"Nope."
"TYRA BANKS"
"NO WAY"
I finally say, "Who then?"
He finally answers, "You remind me of Snuffleupagus, Big Birds friend on Sesame Street.
I looked at him and said, "SCREW YOU! Your sitting there talking shit looking like Jackie Chan on crack! and when your're high you look like that Chino-Hopper off of Cherry Clan Candy Box.
That day wasnt so flattering. Then I get in a fight with my girl!
She tells me, "You need to find a better job, that one you have is not respectable."
I said, "What you talkin' bout WILLIS?!.....And your job is respectable??"
She said, "Yes it is."
I said, "Now ain't that some shit! You think your job is respectable?! I'm a strippa. Your a freakin phone sex operator! I can't see how You think, your job is better!"
Acting like her shit dont stink but her farts give her away.
Now I'm depressed again, but I ain't eating a box of crayons; not after what happened the last time.

P.S.. AND FOR YOU IMPATIENT ASSES OUT THERE KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHORTS ON, I'LL UPDATE WHEN MY MIND IS CLEAR. AND FOR YOU THAT SAY "I HAVE NO PATIENTS" SCREW YOU WITH A GIANT DILDO.
IM OUT PEACE & HAIR GREASE!

2003-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

Brain Fart

Shoe is not available at this time.
Please leave your name, number, and your freaking complaint after the spank.
I'll get back to you when I feel like it.
Thank You for your fucking patience.

2003-09-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION HATERS

To those folks be commenting in my blog listen up! I am not fat I'm big boneded. Just because I can eat 2 large pizza's with extra sauce and the works don't mean I'm fat or even a pig, just means I have a big appetite. And just cause I can go to an all you can eat resturant don't mean I'm hungry just means I LOVVESSSS the food.
I think ya'll just hate'in I'll have ya'll know I'm comfortable with my big boneded'ness I'll have ya'll know I'm a strippa. So the next time you chicken heads wanna be hate'in on ol Shoe think about this. I make boo-koo bucks to strut my stuff! So don't be hate'in I'm Big, Black & Beautiful! You be hate'in cause I can push my tush and all the mens wanna smooch my cooch ya heard meh, cause I'm tons of fun and can get the job done!
This be my strip club song!
Go Shoe, Go Shoe, push ya tush, push ya tush, work it good leg of wood work it good, Move ya ass eye of glass, move ya ass!
Yeah baby you know you want this big bundle of LOVEEEE!

2003-09-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Family Affair!

Dun Da Dunnnnn!!!
The adventures of Shoe!!
Faster then a Vibrating EGG!
Able to leap giant dildos in a single bound!!!
IT'S A BIRD, ITS A PLANE! NO IT'S SHOEEE!!!!!!!!!!

In this episode, we find Shoe ready to meet her future in laws.
But she finds her conscious Shoe BLACK AND Shoe WHITE battling it out.

Shoe black. Dont do it!! Do you want to be held down by a bunch of Goo's!?
Shoe white. I'm in LOVE leave me alone!! Get OUT of my head!

So I start walking up to the door of my furture in-law's house ready to ring the bell.

Shoe black screams run run away dont look back!
Shoe white, SHUT UP. I Love her!

The door opens it's Tam-Pon. She say's , "Hi baby. Come in meet my family."
Inside she introduces me. Only half say hello by fellow family members. I felt so uncomfortable, so out of place, with all these small asians I felt like Godzilla invading Tokyo. She introduces me to her uncle Choo-Mi-Goo.

Shoe Black. Bless you!
Shoe White. Hush quit being an ass.

Choo-Mi-Goo's wife walks up her name being Thong-Goo. The uncle asks, "What are your intentions with my neice?"

Shoe black. My intention is to do your neice like theres no tomarrow!

I replied, "I want to be with your neice the rest of my life."
He says, "Good Good." He walks away.

Shoe white. Whew I think we got his vote.

Mrs. Thong-Goo asks me, "Why you have a wooden leg???"

Shoe black. Why you have a pointed head?

I reply, "I was in an accident."
She says, "Oh that not good Tam-pon take care of you."
I decided to take a load off. I went and sat down on the couch when this little old lady came and sat next to me. Tam-Pon's brother Con-Dum says, "This is our grandmother Shing-Kee-Goo"

Shoe black. Try saying that 5 times real fast.

I turned to her grandmother Shing-kee-Goo. "Nice to meet you"
She just sat there staring at me.

Shoe white. How RUDE!

So I'm just sitting there kind of dazed when the grandmother starts poking me in the arm. I say, "Excuse me!" She says, "For what? Why you so fat?"
I said, "Why you so wrinkled?" (without even thinking)

Shoe white. You messed up now!

The grandmother looks at me and starts cracking up, she says, "You a funny fat one!"

2003-09-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

Whats in a Name

Well not much has been happening with ol shoe. The other night me and my new girlfriend stayed at home and made it a blockbuster night. She made a nice homemade asian meal, it was good asian food its just like soul food; it has a little bit of everything in it and smells up your entire house.
Anyhow, we are sitting there maxing and relaxing when we started talking about getting married.
I ask her, " If we get married would you change your last name to my last name?"
She says, " Noooo... "
So we get into this big discussion about marriage and it not being legal.
I told her, "If you really loved me and wanted to marry me you would change your last name."
So she says, " Think about it; what's your name??"
I said, " My name is Shoe of course."
She said, " NO. Your full name."
I said, "Shoe String"
She says, " Ok, now add your last name to my full name and see why I dont want to use your name!"
So I'm sitting there saying her name in my head. Ok folks keep in mind she's asian. If she changes her name to mine her full name would be; "TAM-PON-STRING"
I tell her, "Ok, its not the best name but it's way better then the last name you have right now."
Shes like, "How's that?...." I told her, "Think about it say your full name!"
Well folks if she married me and changed her name it would be "TAM-PON-STRING" but if she uses her full name it's "TAM-PON-GOO" Now, you tell me which is worse. If I used her last name my name would be "Shoe Goo" personally I think we both are screwed, but were not as bad off as her brother, his name is "CON-DUM-GOO" and her sister... "PAN-TEE-GOO" DAMN..whatever happend to names like Smith & Jones???

2003-08-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

The Cow Got Stuck on The Moon

Well did'nt do too much today. I just went on my weekly trip to the grocery store. I don't know about you folks but I like to be comfy when I shop; I threw on my favorite moo-moo, my black socks, my sandle, and I can't forget my big straw hat. So off I went to the grocery store. I get to the store grab my cart and waddle on down the isles. I'm standing there looking at toilet paper prices, when this little old man walks up to me; taps me on the shoulder and says "Excuse me lady but umm I think you umm dropped something (looking down and pointing)" I look down and there was my underwear around my ankles (the elastic gave out). I was so embarassed all I could say is "Thank you sir" I bent over, took my underwear off and stuck them in my purse. I go finish my shopping. Well, while I'm walking around the store I passed a couple of empolyees; as I pass them they were giggling. All I could think of is they saw what happened on the store cameras. I was finally on my last isle, I had to get just one more item; when this little boy and his mother pass me. The little boy starts laughing, he says in a really loud tone, "MOMMY MOMMY Look at the fat lady with her butt sticking out!!!" I guess when I bent over to pick up my underwear my moo-moo got stuck between my butt cheeks; no wonder people were pointing and laughing. So I pull my moo-moo outta my crack and rush to the check out.
The cashier rings up my items and ask's me "Will that be cash or credit?" I say,"Well I'm going to pay credit. Let me find my credit card." So I start digging through my purse, putting stuff up on the counter, finally finding the card. I hear the bag boy laughing he says "ewwwww" So I look up to notice my undies on the counter. I grabbed them as fast as I could but everybody saw them. I grabbed my card and got the heck outta the store.
I put my groceries in the trunk; get in the car when I noticed I forgot to close the trunk. So I get out of the car when this kid says "Hey lady are you hungry?" I said "No why??" He replies with, "Well I think your ass is because it's eating the hell out of your dress."

2003-08-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

Boogie Nights

Well since I lost my girlfriend. My friend came over and invited me out. So, we went to a club; we get to the club and decide to sit at the bar and order some drinks. This hot asain girl walks up to me, starts a conversation. We talk a bit , then we decide to get up and start dancing. Anyhow we spend the rest of the night together; talking and dancing. We made a date to meet each other.
So lastnight she came to my house. We went to dinner, saw a movie, and went back to my place. I put on some love making music, you know the kind; BARRY WHITE, TEDDY PENDERGRASS you know the kind guaranteed to get you laid. I dim the lights, get us some wine, sit on the couch and get cozy. Then things start heating up, we start making out; well let me tell you its true what they say about asian women, I'll just leave it at that. Okay we're getting all hot and bothered, when she says "Come on baby let's go to your room" I'm like "Are you sure?" (you know I dont wanna seem pushy or desperate).
Well we head to my room she walks to the bed, lays down and says "Come here baby" I go lay next to her, we're getting all into it. I tell her I want her, and all that other good stuff that gets you laid. So shes like take me. We start getting undressed, she grabs me by my head and starts shoving it towards her fluffy muff, and says "You want some red wings?" I say "Oh yes baby" She shoves my head between her legs. I jump up and say "OH HELL NO. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??!?! I THOUGHT YOU SAID hot wings NOT red wings!"

2003-08-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

Whats up Doc??

Well folks, it was a long day. I had to go to the doctor. You ask why? Well see I haven't pooped in a month and I was getting a little concerned, so off I went to the doctor. On my drive there I sung a little diddy called "The No Poo Blues" It goes a little something like this.
My name is Shoe and I can't poo, now what in the world am I gonna doooooo, I got the blues I GOT THE NO POO BLUES. Anyhow, I get to the doc's; we go in his office.
He says, " What brings you here today Shoe?"
I say, "Welll doc I have'nt pooped in a month and I'm starting to worry."
He says, "OH MY...Well let's take a look"
So I drop my draws and spread em.
He looks and says, "Whats this?!"
I reply and say, "Thats my ass. Your a doctor don't you know that!"
He chuckles, "No Shoe there's a sharpener stuck in there. Now how in the world did that get in there?"
I said, "Well doc let me tell you the story it's been a bad month for me. My girlfriend left me and while she was speeding away she ran over my dog Jose, before she left she trashed my house. So I was picking up the mess. While I was vaccuming, the vaccum sucked up my cat Sha-boo-boo. With all this happening I started getting depressed."
The doc interrupts, "Shoe, Whats this got to do with the sharpener?"
I said, "I'm getting there, so just chill. Anyway, I'm getting depressed, felt like my world was falling apart. I wanted to add a little color to my world so I ate a box of crayons. A little after that I noticed I wasn't able to poop.
The Doc shocked, "WOW Shoe that's an amazing story but don't you think you should of found a friend to help you through this instead of eating a box of crayons?"
I said , "You know Doc I would of never thought of that."
So the doc slips on his gloves and says "Well Shoe this is gonna hurt you alot, more then me"
So I bent over.
He says, "Here we go!"
I scream , " WAIT DOC! Before you start. Can you do me a favor?" "Whats that shoe?" He replies.
I say, "Sharpen my Crayon"
Well that was my day. Now how was yours?

2003-08-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

The Shoe and Nothing But The Shoe

Hi my name is Shoe. They call me Shoe because I like to kick it. Okay where to start; I guess I should tell you fine people about myself. Well I'm a 500 pound black woman, I have a glass eye, a plastic arm, a wooden leg, and dredlocks. I know, I know your thinking; WHAT A HOTTIE! I get that all the time, I bet your all wondering how I got the plastic arm and wooden leg, well I'll tell you....
One day I went out to eat at an all you can eat buffet, I'm sitting there enjoying my meal when all of a sudden I see this guy going for the last porkchop. So I jumped up started running towards him and BAM I slipped on a piece of bacon. I heard a cracking sound my leg BROKE, my arm was TWISTED and BROKE; they broke from the pressure of my weight.
Well they cut off my arm and leg because they wouldnt heal. A friend told me "maybe you needed a better doctor." I told them "well I found his number on the bathroom wall" they were shocked they asked. How much did he charge you?? I told them "it cost me an arm and a leg" As for my glass eye; well one day, I was chasing my girlfriend around while I was wearing my strap-on (yes folks I'm a Lesbian) anyhow I was chasing her, my wooden leg fell off! So I tripped and poked my eye out with the strap-on. I know your thinking how big was the thing? Kind of big but when I fell I was Twisted like a pretzel and poked my eye out with the strap-on and you know what I hate to say this but it was the best sex I ever had.